Discarded: A woman’s heart

She looks up at the ceiling and wonders “what is it, why doesn’t he want me?”

“Turning to God, turning to friends, turning to family, but not for comfort, but for validation that she is  okay. That he just wanted someone else and that he wasn’t the man for her anyway.

We women are beautiful flowers that are forced to wither, endure, break and flourish brighter each season. I stand in awe of us. The way we cry the way we hurt, the pain that we suffer. The inability to forget and remember the smallest details to further convict or admonish ourselves.

He invited her over to his home after talking to her weeks via text. She was so excited, she was so enamored by him. He was not really her type, nor in her mind, but how he pushed and prodded to continue this “virtual relationship” full of text teasing and video desires.

The day she met him at his home, the conversation was brief, his need for sex was quick and he pushed her out of house in the snap of finger.

Not distressed, she thought it was an over abundance of emotion maybe. He kept up a conversation that she initiated and he was adamant, and crude, purposeful in his demands, and manipulative in his requests.

She found herself at his home again. She thinks “ok, another chance to do this right, another chance to talk and explain and at the very least be friends”  yet the conversation was again brief, the drinking was quick, the request for sex, even quicker and with a timed phone call, she is sent out of the home without a “be safe” “take care”… she was discarded and wanted to “B”urn her significance in his psych forever….setting off “rabbithole” logic, and a “revenge” mindset.

Being made to fill insignificant as though you do not matter, someone looking through you can cut deeper than the sharpest tongue and bruise your heart. But the worse feeling, is when he knows you, he knew your pain. He read about it, he understood you fragility, but he paid it no mind, he ripped open the wound and pour in it salt to try and burn away the emotion and sear your heart shut with excruciating pain.

Crazy, insane we are called. Because we know love, yet we suppress because our feelings can envelope the largest stone and swallow it whole.  We boil because we value, we are free in thought because our emotional conscious protects us. Yet we burn as we allow those same emotions to cloud our judgment and let the wrong one in.

We are empathic, we are genuine, forced into a self loathing, and deprecating experience just to feel wanted, loved and/or appreciated. We worry about out physical not because of us, but because of them. We wonder why, because he doesn’t and we seek to only be seen and coveted.

When our truth is questioned we cry, when our lies are accepted we cry, because both sides are covered in fear, protection and love.

He was looking for someone and so was she. Meeting on Dating apps made for great conversation. She was enamored by him and felt she must have known him in another life. They joked and laughed for days, that turned into weeks, months and then without warning he disappears.

Wrought with fear for his well being, not sure if she should continue to call she clamors through news, hospital, criminal records. Scouring and pouring on social media, until she him post a pic of himself.

“5 mins ago” she yells, she begins calling and calling until finally he texts her to meet him at his home. She is so grateful, she gave thanks to god for his safe return and hurried off to his home.

Upon entry, he takes her coat, they laugh, they cuddle and then explains that his girlfriend was pregnant and that he had to help her.

She stutters and stammers, and tries to make sense of what he said, “your girlfriend?” the rest of his speech is garbeled because she has realized that she was a “sidechick”

We fall hard, if you say you don’t ladies its because you learned not to anymore. Our hearts grow numb from deceit, heart takes so many kicks, like a punching bag with a rhythm all its own and overshadowed by the callous punching the boxer that is pummeling the sounds of you.

Yet we get up, we rise, we dive in, we see, we hear and we cry then we stand up again. Each time we get up we get knocked down.  We begin learning how to “Bounce” how to “Spring” how to “Glide”

She awakes in the ER, handcuffed to the bed feeling as though she has been underwater, head swimming with a nauseous taste in her mouth, “am I dead”

They have been dating for almost a year. Yea he gets in his feelings and drops her for week or two. But she understands that its fear, so she always accepts him back and tries even harder to be more transparent and better.  Its New Years Eve, and although they had a bit of falling out, he is sure to call her and they bring in the New year together.  She texts him and asks “what time are we meeting?” 

No answer comes, midnight is almost here and he has yet again disappeared off with another woman, or lesson teaching which conveniently happens around the holidays to ensure she does not upset him again.

The family expected her gone, the kids all left to their parties, and she sat alone determined that each man in her life meant her harm and that she must resign to the fact that god may want her alone forever.

Cursing her faith and angered at her foolishness she takes the pills from her medicine cabinet and swallows them, hoping on her road to hell that God lets her in on the joke of her life.

We will let you in, we women will do the hard work and the heavy lifting. We allow you to stand on us to push you further up the ladder and only ask you pull us up with you. You see we are givers, we hold because we were hurt, We beg because we were not given, and scream because we must and should be valued.

So you read the above…, the stories are real and the women they survived. They are battered and bruised but they rise and they keep going.

Men: Don’t read our pain and think we are bashing, we are simply loving. Don’t look for the light in our pain and run through it. We are complicated masterpieces, and intricate notes of a symphony.

Women: You say, “she should have known better”? “Oh no you say, “she was naive” or maybe you can say “that wouldn’t happen to you because…..”

But ladies, I say, it has happened to you. Look into the interwoven lessons in each story, you can find yourself. It happened to you!!!,

  • You saw it coming and you didn’t duck so you learned thus “it wont happen to me….again”
  • you cried and gave your heart to someone who stumped on it and kicked it away thus you learned “I don’t fall hard, I guard my heart…now”
  • you walked into it with “eyes wide open” looking for the good in someone and they only saw the bad in you, thus you learned “ I am not naive I would not fall for that crap……ever again”

We motivate each other and push each other and cry. Why fight each other, when we each are fighting to survive. We protect dysfunction so it doesn’t leave us, because without it we feel alone and we hold on to “what ifs” as though you can supernaturally change his mind.

Find that place where you live, where you hide, where you envision the growth, the fortitude, think of how you survived and hold on to that and say say this:

I will no longer hide that i am hurt, I will learn from it and i will manage.  I will no longer hide my pain, I will walk in it and I will absorb it and use it to strengthen me. I will no longer blame, I will hold myself accountable and I will use it to grow. I will embrace my sister all day, everyday because only she knows what I go through because she is me and we will lock arms look to the heavens and bring the fight they were asking for.

So cry one last cry, think one last thought, wallow one last moment. Then wipe your tears, clear your mind and stand in your phenomenal, wonderful, beloved, nurturing, feeling, beautiful self.

Now go hug your sister..

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