Lifting the Connection and moving on

How to move on when the love didn’t last

When you break up, stop seeing a person, or you have been ghosted. ( which I think is so cowardly) but anyway, its difficult to say the least. It doesn’t matter if you spoke to someone every other Monday, now every other Monday they are not there.  Don’t let anyone tell you, to just “get over it.” Don’t let anyone tell you that it “doesn’t matter,” because it does. For whatever reason you connected with someone and they moved on without you.  It happens to the best of us, but no worries because as much as it hurts, its temporary. Connecting with to someone who has no connection to you or loving someone who doesn’t love you, can be like a wound being split open in your stomach, and watching them “tra la la” whilst you drown in tears, well… it sucks!!!! but there are brighter days ahead: 

You are not the one!!

Ok so you just knew that you were it..you fit everything he/she wanted, and they fit you. Whats the problem!? Right?…. Were you on a mission to make someone love you? If you had to make, create or make moves for someone to look at you and see you then they were not for you. If you have to make someone, force someone, tap dance, and handstand, if you have to watch what you say, if you hide behind what you think they want to see and not who you are then be happy they are gone, they were not the one for you and you were not the one for them.

Say the bells tolled and you everything fit, and he/she just didnt feel the same. Okay, learn from it and move on. Its hard but here are some things not to do.

  • Dont listen to sad music: I cannot tell you how many sad songs you will listen to in the course of a breakup and it just makes you remember all the good, and gone times. If there is a particular song you listened to, apply it to something else. Hell dance, with your dog on it!!, but remove the person from your spirit Also put on uplifting music, songs that say you are great, you are better off, time to move on but don’t dwell
  • Clean house: Get rid of everything that reminds you of them. Archive or delete videos, archive or delete pictures. Unfollow and mute them on Instagram. Remove from Facebook, the more you cannot see, the better it is to move on… if not you are still dwelling!!!
  • Hobbies: If you write, write about it. Its cathartic, tell your story or write a blog, write poetry. Or if that is not it, then get out go hiking jogging, gym but put as much time into something else. so you don’t….Dwell.


What was it?

What was it you loved, liked or was connected to?  Did he/she do something, say something, were with you when you were down or up. Pinpoint what that person brought to you, then find that within you. Find whatever they did for you and open that door to yourself and provide that. Being lost, is real, being alone can be real and feeling unworthy because someone doesn’t want you or feel the same for you is real also. Don’t dwell (keyword for the day) on it, but understand that “a person” does not define you, and doesn’t mean that you are some how unworthy, on the contrary if they walked away they just weren’t ready and as you were ready to give all you were and all you are to that person, they only gave you a part and you ARE worth so much more than pieces of a person.  

You will love again!!!

You may feel like you will never want to ever love again, you don’t want to ever feel the pain of losing someone or watching someone walk away so easily. You just gave your love to the wrong person, you freely opened your heart and they may have taken it and callously threw it away. You must go through a process of grieving, you have to hurt, hate, balance and then see the love in yourself and what you can bring to someone deserving. 

Be Joyous!!

Now Move!!!

Open you’re the dark curtains, the shades, walk in the sunlight!!!! Healing is coming when you move, when you get up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes maybe there was something you did, maybe you said something or the person just couldn’t hold on and wait for your season to end. I say better to know now than be in the throws of a fight for your life and finding out that person would have never been there for you. I rather Fight alone than with one that stands on the sidelines and watches me.

I watched you walk away,

Virtual, but just the same

I cried a lot, I cried alittle then I

Stopped.

I realized who I was, who I am and who I

Am gonna be

And then I realized why you left

Because you weren’t worthy to stand with

Me.  

© 2020, All Rights Reserved ¦ b50love.com

DATING: WHEN YOU HAVE DIFFERENT POLITICAL BELIEFS

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Would you Date Someone who has a different political belief than you?

If you consider yourself a liberal would you date a conservative? Better yet, what if you found out your significant other changed their political beliefs, due to today’s climate, that conflict with yours?

Remember political science class? Studying or at least attempting to learn about politics and power those comparative perspectives. I know for me, this is when I really started to wake up to how our world was being run. In many cases, not very well lol. Since then, being politically active and politically knowledgable became an opening to an engaging conversation with a potential mate. But with the increasing polarization of politics at the national level, the social media mania, coupled with a myriad of fears, many find a need to keep that conversation away from the table.

As our world closed down, our minds opened up. It’s fantastic to see every American, learning and understanding rights, laws, and the powers of the government. But everyone may hear and see the same thing, but will interpret each event differently. Thus, it’s not unlikely you may have gone to bed with a Conservative and woke up with a Liberal

But is it a deal breaker?

Communication is always key and if this was not a conversation initially then there is no time like the present :0

Conversation

It may not be just the beliefs, but actions or ways of being follow those beliefs. It’s important to understand someone a bit, before taking an invested leap. There should be nothing wrong with questions about Why? and What? to open up the floor to understanding the beliefs and the reasoning behind the other’s party affiliation. There may be some commonality that you would never think existed. Understanding the motivation, the mindset and how strongly they feel on certain issues.

Now I am definitely not a proponent of a long drawn out Q&A about politics when dating. Politics and Religion definitely will weed out to whom can be considered compatible. but depending on how passionate each person is, certain hot buttons can be triggered without having the opportunity to get to know each other.

Your Identity

In today’s political atmosphere, another byproduct is our identities. Wearing a hat, clothes, who you vote for is defining ones identity in many respects. Deemed antagonistic, or racist based on who you believe in, than what you believe.

This is not the way it should be, but it’s become the way it is. Liberal, Democratic, libertarian, Conservative, Republican, your party lines draw the distinction in love lines as well.

In dating, if the door is open and you walk into a political conversation, lead with what you believe, not who you believe in. if you must, this should be an open door to communication and open mindsets. Or you can simply ensure you are dating in those like minded circles.

My thoughts: Who wants to be an echo chamber all the time? In the words of my friend “NO GOOD”

.

WOULD IT WORK?

There are differences and conflicts in life period especially in relationships. Maybe your political differences are your identity,possibly driven generationally or your stance is economically motivated while your partner is more environmentally conscious, and may have changed party affiliations based on world events. This does not mean that common ground can’t be found.

You can work together to “create” a balance of beliefs, healthy debates and conversation. Learning more about each other during each engagement, as this This may be the differences that make relationships “Great Again”

HONESTY

Another by-product of our political atmosphere is fear. Not just fear associated with the unknown, but fear in stating your political beliefs. Clothing, rhetoric, even simple conversation has erupted in expulsion from family and friends, loss of employment and many cases violence.

Communicating across party lines is essential, if we can’t come together as a people, how can we expect our nation

Although you may not tout what party you follow and who you believe in, your core values should lead the conversation. Be yourself!, you both may believe, comprehend and interpret our new world differently but at its core, is the humanity of it all. I would hope both people and parties have that as the number one agenda.

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© 2020, All Rights Reserved ¦ b50love.com

Toxicity: A life of Avoidance

“I hate my job”, “I hate where I live”, “and I hate my life!!!” 

How many times have we awakened with these statements. Yet, I would ask “Do you?”, “Do you really”?  or do you just hate the people around you.  Can you cycle through your life right now and see the positive directions you have been traveling towards or can you navigate through all the times you left jobs, or moved because you didn’t like the people. Cycling through a monotonous momentum of circumstantial directionless moves instead of purposeful progressive decisions. 

You may find your entire life has been dictated by “avoidance” but you have told yourself its “progression” and yet you wonder, why you are in same job, you meet the same people or you are in the same relationship. 

A life of Avoidance

Traveling through your existence with your finger pointing upward waving from left to right, gesturing “NO” each time you are faced with persons you don’t like. Keeping away, or withdrawing from the undesirable and escaping. But there is nowhere to go but up. 

I told my children that if anyone tells you that after high school you never have to see these people again, lied to you.  You will see these same people all the time. The clicks, the bullies, the elite, the commoners, the in style, the out of style, they exist everywhere. High school is training ground to learn how to deal, not to avoid. 

You learn how to deal because we as parents and leaders are supposed to teach you how to deal with these issues. We are not supposed to turn you around, we are supposed to turn them into it, so that they learn how to stand and face feel a little hurt and pain, but celebrate the triumphs. Somewhere we are failing at this as parents, because children are growing up and running away from what’s hard, running away from people, running away from the very things that are designed to rip the band aid off and enter that wound so you learn what the pain feels like so you can conquer it. 

When there are too many duties and responsibilities at your job, do you shut down? When you not given the promotion or raise, do you demand why? When a person tells you, you are not good enough, do you stand in your worth and face them eye-to-eye?  

Avoidance can change your directions, your career path creating a cyclical pattern where you are seemingly continuously moving but always winding up in the same spot. 

“What” to do?

If you are always pondering the “Why” in your life, then take the time to look for the “what”

  • Ask yourself: “What do I want?”
  • if you can remember that great career, maybe great people and you turned away from it and fell into something undesirable. Revisit the what in those things. “What did you like?”
  • If you find what it is, that nugget that, that bright light of a thing you want back. Then ask yourself “What can i do”?

Be You, Dealing with Toxic People

Dealing with people can be the most taxing experience. Unless you live “off the grid” you are going to deal with human beings and you are going to have to learn how to love, accept, talk to, and navigate around toxic people. 

The best advice I got…..“Do you”!!!

Do not come outside of yourself. Cursing, fussing, fighting, name calling, dirty antics does nothing. If someone has wronged you then seek the higher road, try to see above them (unless they are tall) look around them haha.. But don’t sink their level because when you get up out the ditch and shake off the dust you are going to look in the mirror and you will see them. 

Maintain, Maintain, Maintain and put them on notice

Keep interactions brief and the topics light, don’t let them send you down the rabbit hole of complaining and arguing. Remember you are in control, and keep in mind that toxic people will wait for that moment to pounce on anything in order to spin it to their toxic advantage. 

Example: 

You: “Yes I think I will apply for this management position, I have the skills”  

Toxic Person: “Well it doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t waste your time, they only want their own for those jobs, they probably have somebody waiting in line to take it anyway. Plus you haven’t even been here long enough why you would try.”

You: Yea you right….

REALLY?!!!!!

Toxic Family members:

Problem with family members is that many times they only see us as we were. They knew us when…. they remember when we did…. And they can’t see the growth, the progress, the betterment, they only see the past.

Communication, Communication And lastly Communication. 

Sometimes you just can’t avoid family members and maybe you can’t set the time limits like you want. If you can’t communicate your feelings then always communicate positivity, or always keep the subjects away from you, or whatever the toxicity triggers are. 

Some toxic behaviors, especially amoungst family members can be a way of life, because no one has ever set standards or boundaries. They have been enabled, and allowed to continue. So you may be the first one to tell them to “back off” and/or navigate around their behavior. Its okay, they will get over it and you will be better for it.

Who is toxic?

If you are already in a negative headspace how would you know who is toxic and who is not?

First check your energy levels. Are you depleted when you deal with these people? Do you feel bad or worse after being with them? Are they feeding you? Do they speak life, require upward movement from you, and lift your chin when it’s down? And lastly do they celebrate you? So they commend your #wins and hug your losses?

If you asked yourself these questions and you realize you are surrounded, compounded by these people.

  • Then put them on the and on notice,
  • limit your time with them,
  • find a moment to yourself and start speaking life to YOU!!!Join,
  • visit and talk to likeminded people.

Remember Toxicity can spoil and taint all that you have worked for. Don’t give people power over you. .

LOVE

Victim Mindset

Mentally crippling, a depressing and negative way of being. Having a victim mindset stalls your progress in all aspects. Blaming, complaining, worry and unworthiness. 

This could be a natural way of being for some because they never learned that this was not the way to move up, this is the way to stay stuck. Victimization of self, can be self defeating but is used to motivate and encourage but does the exact opposite. the glass is half empty as a reflection for what is really going on deep down inside, within themselves.

When hope is offered, when the light at the end of the preverbal tunnel is seen, the explanations, complaining and miserableness of feeling unworthy can override the solution. 

Signs of a victim mindset:

Revenge:

The feeling of sadness and pain turned into revenge and retribution. Emotionally attached and strengthening yourself by turning that person into a conquest that has to be realized. That he/she must be bested because your feelings desire vengeance. Stopping and continually being stuck because you think they must be punished 

Guilt:

The inability to move forward, everything you do is consumed by the could-have-been or what you did or did not do. You are rising and feeling guilty feeling undeserving because you are unable to make amends. As though you did something that negates everything you are doing 

Unworthiness:

Each time you rise, each time you have a win it is not greeted with gratefulness and blessings, it is greeted with the feeling of being undeserving. “Why did I get this… because I “ Or I “Shouldn’t get this.. because I” feeling as though the goodness, should never be yours because of the bad things you have done. 

Blame:

Reverse Motivation, self-defeating emotions, believing that the only reason this happened was because of someone else. Now you feel you can never be or do whatever it is because it was taken or your path is not murky because you have gone another direction.  “I would have stayed an become something, but I followed him/her and now the relationship   is over”!!! I will never rise again. “

 

Only you can take the walk in or out of this mental prison. Living within this victim mentality can and will ruin your life, because it can impact everything you do. You may not even realize that you don’t allow yourself good things or that you feel you dont deserve the good things in life, find things wrong with your life, and see the world in gray. 

Baby steps:

You recognize that one or of these are you. First:

You deserve it!!:

So it didn’t work, so your relationship failed, it happens to all of us. Move on, see the worthiness in you. You will have to take that hard look in the mirror, hold yourself accountable and then learn. Use it as a learning experience, Turn your situaitons into training modules in your mind and teach yourself a better way. 

Step Back and don’t be afraid of what you see:

Look at the bigger picture, you may have to swallow the bitter pill and hold yourself accountable. Okay and Do that!!!, Don’t be afraid to peel back layers of emotions, you  may not have the ability to figure out your feelings, but you can always remember how it felt the good and the badand eventually you will feel good and feel love again the right way, just with someone who feels the same way.  

Don’t rush it:

Everyday it will get easier I promise, you will one day wonder why you looked, saw, visited, loved, lusted after this person. You will see him/her with another and walk proudly, realize that this was but a fleeting moment in your life, that you may have done something incorrect, but GOD makes no mistakes. You were meant to feel like you do, and did. Take your time, process is better with time, because you can take a moment of reflection and reintroduce you to yourself.